Posts Tagged ‘redneck’

Joke - Volunteer Firemen

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old firetruck. They rumbled straight toward the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

Watching all of this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local newspaper reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

“That oughta be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed in that damned firetruck!”

Couple weds at Taco Bell

Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

Read Full Story at MSNBC.

The bride wore a $15 hot pink dress and the entire wedding cost about $200. Several dozen guests looked on as the couple’s friend, Ryan Green of Normal, administered the vows while wearing a T-shirt. He was ordained online.

“This is the way to go — there’s no stress,” said the groom’s mother, Kathy Brooks.

Coming next at Taco Bell: drive thru weddings free with a Chalupa.

Joke - Rednecks

Sunday, January 11th, 2009

Hello, is this the Sheriff’s office?”

I’m calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil’s house.

Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?”

“Yeah!”

Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Happy Birthday, buddy!”

Who says rednecks aren’t real bright!

Redneck Sayings

Saturday, January 3rd, 2009

He’s all hat and no cattle.

If that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.

It’s so dry, the catfish are carrying canteens.

He’s so busy, you’d think he was twins.

He’ll squeeze a nickel till Jefferson screams.

So dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

Cold as a cast-iron commode.

She’s two sandwiches short of a picnic.

So ugly, she has to sneak up on a glass of water.

Confused as a goat on AstroTurf.

Handy as hip pockets on a hog.

So ugly, his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn’t have to kiss him goodbye.

Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.

So buck-toothed, she could eat corn through a picket fence.

If brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a flea.

That dawg don’t hunt.

It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.

Every now and then, even a blind pig finds an acorn.

Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been “saucered and blowed.”

She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm.

Cute as a sack full of puppies.

My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull.

Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining.

He’s as country as cornflakes.

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

This is gooder’n grits.

Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.