Picture - Festive Nudist Sweater
January 14th, 2009Couple weds at Taco Bell
January 13th, 2009The bride wore a $15 hot pink dress and the entire wedding cost about $200. Several dozen guests looked on as the couple’s friend, Ryan Green of Normal, administered the vows while wearing a T-shirt. He was ordained online.
“This is the way to go — there’s no stress,” said the groom’s mother, Kathy Brooks.
Coming next at Taco Bell: drive thru weddings free with a Chalupa.
What To Do in the Event of an Accident
January 12th, 2009This article is going to focus on minor and relatively minor traffic accidents. The kind that you can at least hobble away from. Accidents that require the jaws of life should be left up to the professionals, otherwise they would be out of a job.
First Reactions
The appropriate first reaction is to curse. This goes for everyone from gang members to Buddhist monks. Your exact amount of cursing may vary, depending on the value of your car. Once you have that out of your system, you need to exit the vehicle. The most effective way is to run screaming from the vehicle. This will alert other drivers that something might be amiss. Just don’t run into traffic, that’s counter-productive.
Go ahead and panic, just don’t attack anyone. You can provide some much needed comic relief. Be sure to whine about your beloved car and how it will never be the same again. Get creative. After a half-hour or so you should give it up, however. If you don’t the police officer will probably tase you.
If you’re not the panicky type then you could always try to get the other driver to hit you, that way you can sue them. This doesn’t work all the time. For instance if you are a 250lb man and you get a 150lb woman to hit you, it won’t be very convincing. And if you are a 150lb man who is trying to provoke a 250lb man, you’re an idiot.
Insurance Exchange
Yes you have to, it’s the law. You may like to think that you can stick it to the man anytime you want, but in reality, the man’s going to stick it to you. Get over it.
Police Report
Always blame the other driver. You may think this is a given, but there are a lot of people out there that either don’t know, or don’t remember. Honesty should be avoided if necessary. If somehow the accident really wasn’t your fault then great, but for normal circumstances, dishonesty will help keep your insurance premiums down.
Cleanup & Aftermath
Let’s assume that your car is undriveable, because otherwise this paragraph would be pointless. If the police officer didn’t already call a town truck, go ahead an call. In all likely hood, the police officer already did call a tow truck, along with the fire department, an ambulance, roadside assistance, and national guard.
Take the car back to your parents and tell them it’s broken. Don’t pretend that they didn’t give it to you cheap or free. If you play you’re cards right, you might even get another car out of them.
Video - Unsuccessful Pen Trick
January 11th, 2009Joke - Rednecks
January 11th, 2009Hello, is this the Sheriff’s office?”
I’m calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil’s house.
Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?”
“Yeah!”
Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, buddy!”
Who says rednecks aren’t real bright!
Are you a Liberal or Conservative
January 9th, 2009- For those that don’t know much about history…… here is a condensed version.
- Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
- The two most important events in all of history were:
- 1. The invention of beer, and
- 2. The invention of the wheel.
- The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
- These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
- 1. Liberals
- 2. Conservatives.
- Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
- Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
- Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
- Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
- Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
- Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are and were always symbolized by the jackass.
- Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
- Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
- Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe that Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
- Here ends today’s lesson in world history…….
- It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
- A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off….
Picture - Free Cat
January 7th, 2009
Any Takers?
HOW TO Get Fired
January 5th, 2009So you’ve finally realized that your job sucks. Congratulations on being the last one you know to come to that conclusion. Before you give your two weeks notice, consider this. If you quit, you can’t draw unemployment. You’re best bet would be to get fired. Many people have hard times getting fired, other people have no trouble at all getting fired, sometimes it happens even when they didn’t actually mean for it to. It doesn’t matter which type of person you are, the tips in this article can help you get fired in no time flat. Use as many as necessary, but don’t overdo it, you don’t want to get arrested or sent to a mental institution, unless you would like an extended vacation.
Show up late, when your boss comments, remark that you are glad that he or she is paying attention.
Burn paper in your trash can. When told to stop apologize, wait an hour then burn more paper. When told to stop again, apologize profusely and tell your boss to take your trashcan because it’s too big of a temptation.
Start stealing office plants. Don’t be sneaky about it, just walk right out with it at quitting time. For more effect, you could try taking them in the middle of the day.
Sit in on meeting you weren’t invited to and heckle the presenter. Be sure to wear your nametag in a prominent location. Many meetings will likely be run by other departments, you want them to be able to notify your boss easily.
Put a picture of your boss in a conspicuous place and throw darts at it, if you’re really adventurous use a picture of your boss’s daughter.
Listen to your iPod all day, if someone asks you to stop, get irate. If your boss tells you to put it away, apologize and take the earbuds out, then as soon as your boss is out of site, put them back in and resume listening.
Snatch the toupee off your boss’s head and run around the office with it. Find a meeting, quickly open the door, toss the toupee onto the table and make a mad run back to your cubicle.
Airplane Maintenance Logs from UPS
January 1st, 2009Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,”which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.