CRAPSTONE, England — When ordering things by telephone, Stewart Pearce tends to take a proactive approach to the inevitable question “What is your address?”
He lays it out straight, so there is no room for unpleasant confusion. “I say, ‘It’s spelled “crap,” as in crap,’ ” said Mr. Pearce, 61, who has lived in Crapstone, a one-shop country village in Devon, for decades.
Let’s Visit Crapstone England
January 29th, 2009Picture - What is Wrong with this Picture
January 28th, 2009Click on Picture for full size. HINT, these are condoms.
HOW TO Take out the trash
January 26th, 2009Alright men, it’s that time of the week again. It’s time to….take out the trash. You may not like it, in fact you may feel your soul being sucked out of you at the very thought of taking out the trash. None of that matters, the trash isn’t going to take itself out. If it sits there until your wife finally takes it out, you may as well move to the couch now before she gives you the crappy pillow and blanket.
Putting it off only makes it harder. There is nothing worse than procrastinating until you miss the trash man altogether. If that happens, you should probably get yourself a hotel room for the night. Don’t worry about taking your house keys, your wife will likely have the locks changed anyway.
Even if you’re lucky enough to spot the trash man, there is nothing more pitiful than running after a trash truck holding up three big bags while still wearing your pajamas and bunny slippers. Garbage truck drivers are instructed not to stop for schmucks chasing them, even if it means having to circle the block.
Once you have decided that you are going to finally get it over with, you need to psych yourself up for it. Take deep breaths and visualize yourself walking out to the end of the driveway. Perform the entire task in your mind several times, there is no room for error, you want to get this done as quickly as possible.
Now that your ready, grab the bags and run outside. Don’t bother putting shoes on, any pain in your feet will distract you from the torment of having to take the trash out. Carefully stuff the bags into the trash cans, you don’t want to break them. That would mean having to pick up all the crud that fell on the floor and even worse, you would have to wash your hands when you get back inside.
Now quickly drag the trash cans out to the end of the driveway. If it’s after dark, which is likely, you should lift them up so not to wake the neighbors. Once the cans are in place run back into the house as if there is a rabid dog chasing you. You may now congratulate yourself for completing your manly housework. Get yourself a beer, you deserve it, even if your wife disagrees. You can feel good, you won’t have to worry about that for a whole week. Ahh, let the countdown begin.
Joke - Volunteer Firemen
January 25th, 2009A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old firetruck. They rumbled straight toward the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
Watching all of this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local newspaper reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That oughta be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed in that damned firetruck!”
Awesomely Inaccurate Predictions
January 23rd, 2009“I think there’s a world market for about five computers.” Thomas J Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM.
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college
yet.’” Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.
“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.” A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.
“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.
“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have
to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of
weight training.” Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable”
problem by inventing Nautilus.
“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You’re crazy.” Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.
“The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.” Admiral
William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
“This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He’s doomed.” Harry
Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.
“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” Irving
Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
“Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific
advances.” Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of
television.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” Charles H. Duell,
Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
Introducing The World’s Worst Credit Card
January 22nd, 2009
Meet the Continental Finance MasterCard. After all the fees have been collected, it has a credit limit of $53.
Below are some of the amazing rates and fees that go along with this card.
- Account setup fee: $99
- Program participation fee: $89
- Annual fee: $49
- Account maintenance fee: $120 (charged @ $10/month)
- Purchase APR: 19.92%
- Authorized user fee: $30 (great! seems like $53 credit is a bit too much for a single person to handle)
- Credit limit increase fee: $25 (and you don’t even have to ask for it!)
The bottom line: the minute you open the account, you have a balance of $247 in fees.
The most amazing thing, this isn’t a joke. You can visit Continental Finance MasterCard to see the offer.
WTF? - Mohawk Toupee
January 21st, 2009A friend of mine works at a wig company, I think they they could sell some of these.
Goth outfitter Venom & Bootle sells mohwak toupees. Available in a dozen colors, the £55 kit includes a hand-made mohawk and the “secret formula” to attach it securely to your pate. And no, they don’t seem to be kidding.
Mohawk toupee found on Boing Boing. if you’re feeling adventurous, you can buy it at Venom & Bootle.
What To Do If Your Car Overheats
January 19th, 2009Detecting the Problem:
A car has several indicators to notify you that is it overheating. The first is a temperature gauge near the fuel gauge and odometer gauge. In an overheat situation the needle advances into the red area of the gauge and the car beeps incessantly at you. The second indicator is a giant plume of smoke, this is released from a smoke canister when the cars computer detects an overheat situation. Be sure to replace the canister after each overheat situation.
Plan of Action:
If your car reports an overheat situation, you should immediately slam on your brakes, shut off the engine, turn on the hazard lights, open your hood, put out your safety cones, then get a safe distance from the vehicle. Monitor the vehicle for approximately 30 minutes before you approach it. You do not want to risk being near the vehicle should it suddenly ignite and/or explode.
When you do return to your vehicle, your first action is to kick the vehicle. This shows the vehicle who’s boss and releases some of your anger. You may kick the vehicle several more times but don’t kick in the same place, you may cause a dent. Once you have calmed down, check to see if the radiator is empty. If you don’t know which part is the radiator, it’s the big part in front that looks like a radiator.
Remedy the Situation:
You probably have several things to remedy at this point. You likely got rear ended when you slammed on your brakes. That’s okay, if you play it right, you can get their insurance to pay for your repairs. Do your normal accident routine. Or better yet, refer to our guide: What to do in the event of an accident.
If your radiator was empty when you checked it earlier, you need to fill it back up, duh. Since most people don’t drive around several gallons of water, you will need to call someone to bring some. Or if you’re too cheap to carry a cell phone, you’ll have to walk for it. If you’re feeling adventurous, you could wait for someone to stop and help you.
Once you acquire some water, put it in the radiator. Locate the cap that says ‘coolant’ or ‘radiator’ and turn it until it comes off. If you need a wrench, try turning it the other direction. Pour the water into the small hole. They make it small for a reason, to frustrate you. The colder the water, the better. You’re trying to cool off the engine. If some or most of the water, depending on how coordinated you are, misses the hole, that’s okay, it will cool off the engine directly.
Now that your engine is cooled off and you’re radiator is full, check to make sure it’s not leaking. The last thing you need to do is leave a trail of water to your next overheat situation. If your car has more damage from either a larger problem or from the accident you caused, you should ask yourself why you didn’t just call a tow truck in the first place.