HOW TO….Take out the trash
23 September 2007Alright men, it’s that time of the week again. It’s time to….take out the trash. You may not like it, in fact you may feel your soul being sucked out of you at the very thought of taking out the trash. None of that matters, the trash isn’t going to take itself out. If it sits there until your wife finally takes it out, you may as well move to the couch now before she gives you the crappy pillow and blanket.
Putting it off only makes it harder. There is nothing worse than procrastinating until you miss the trash man altogether. If that happens, you should probably get yourself a hotel room for the night. Don’t worry about taking your house keys, your wife will likely have the locks changed anyway.
Even if you’re lucky enough to spot the trash man, there is nothing more pitiful than running after a trash truck holding up three big bags while still wearing your pajamas and bunny slippers. Garbage truck drivers are instructed not to stop for schmucks chasing them, even if it means having to circle the block.
Once you have decided that you are going to finally get it over with, you need to psych yourself up for it. Take deep breaths and visualize yourself walking out to the end of the driveway. Perform the entire task in your mind several times, there is no room for error, you want to get this done as quickly as possible.
Now that your ready, grab the bags and run outside. Don’t bother putting shoes on, any pain in your feet will distract you from the torment of having to take the trash out. Carefully stuff the bags into the trash cans, you don’t want to break them. That would mean having to pick up all the crud that fell on the floor and even worse, you would have to wash your hands when you get back inside.
Now quickly drag the trash cans out to the end of the driveway. If it’s after dark, which is likely, you should lift them up so not to wake the neighbors. Once the cans are in place run back into the house as if there is a rabid dog chasing you. You may now congratulate yourself for completing your manly housework. Get yourself a beer, you deserve it, even if your wife disagrees. You can feel good, you won’t have to worry about that for a whole week. Ahh, let the countdown begin.
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