HOW TO….Fend off a Rabid Weasel
19 October 2007The first rule is to not get attacked in the first place, but since you have already failed that, here’s what to do. It is very important to remain calm, weasels like most other animals, can smell fear. Rabid weasels feed off of your fear, kind of like mosquitoes feed off your blood.
Weasels don’t normally attack. So there must be something you have done or something you’re wearing that set them off. Examine yourself for anything that might be offensive to weasels. A “Weasels Suck” t-shirt would be quite obvious. Other things might be less obvious. Are you wearing any fur? A weasel might think it is one of their relatives. Unfortunately it may be too late to take the fur off as the weasel will likely be too busy tearing into your flesh to notice.
Your first instinct will be to stomp on the weasel. This is minimally effective, weasels are very tough. Stomping will most likely cause the weasel to switch to the leg you were doing the stomping with. You may try to wear the weasel out by continuously switching stomping feet, however you should be careful that you don’t instead wear yourself out.
Whatever you do, don’t run! Weasels are too smart for that. They will use that as an opportunity to trip you. It will then have access to your face, their favorite place to attack. What you should do is instead calmly walk to the house, keeping an eye on the weasel the whole time.
There is only one thing that weasels are scared of, 7 iron gold clubs. If the weasel has poor vision, you may get away with a 6 or 8 iron, but do you really want to take that chance? You must present the 7 iron by whacking the weasel in the rump. The weasel will turn to attack the club until it recognizes what it is. At that point you will use the club as an offensive weapon.
It is vitally important that you have at least some skill with a golf club. The weasel will try to square off with you and the golf club, they are very quick. You must be also, otherwise the weasel will ignore your feeble attempt and resume mauling your legs.
If you are sufficiently skilled the weasel will decide to back off and run away. You should chase after it to show it you mean business. Chase it until it goes under something big or into a hole. Back away slowly continuing to hold the golf club in front of you. Don’t trip, the weasel will use that as an opportunity to get the jump on you. Once you make in inside and close any open doors, call an ambulance before you die of blood loss.
Share ThisPopularity: 41% [?]
on January 1st, 2008 at 5:12 pm
[…] HOW TO….Fend off a Rabid Weasel […]