HOW TO….Change a tire, I’m Serious This Time
10 October 2007This post is a sequel to my first post on HOW TO…Change a Tire
Okay, so you find yourself staring at the shredded tire on right rear of your car. You can stop scratching the skin off your head and wondering what to do, because I’ll tell you.
STEP ONE: locate your jack, not the guy in your passenger seat, the thingy that lifts up your car.
STEP TWO: Find your spare tire. I don’t want a repeat of last time where you got the old tire off, got all excited then realized you didn’t have a spare. It doesn’t matter if you have a full sized spare or a doughnut spare, use it. I don’t care if it’s a rim with a party balloon wrapped around it, if your car maker thought it was good, it is.
STEP THREE: Jack up your car. Get your mind out of the gutter! There is no one location where you have to put the jack, just put it wherever it’s convenient. Under the bumper is good, you can keep a good eye on it there. Just ignore the crunching noises, that’s just the car readjusting its weight distribution. And yes, the bumper will go back into shape.
As you’re jacking, it would be a good time to make sure your friend gets out of the car, not only is this good because your car is less likely to fall off the jack, it’s also good since you an now hear them laughing at you. As much as you may like to club them to death with the tire iron, don’t. Their laughter is good, it keeps you motivated.
STEP FOUR: Loosen the lugnuts. Be sure to use plenty of curse words, tires respect that, plus it’s more fun that way. If you don’t know any, feel free to make up your own. Now you may notice your car swaying as you try to loosen a lugnut. This is okay, you can even use it to your advantage. As the car starts swaying one direction, turn the other, this give you leverage, or a sore hand, or both.
STEP FIVE: Replace the flat tire with a good tire. You will likely have to jack your car up some more as it has a tendency to settle as you are removing the lugnuts. If you’re weakling like me, you will not be able to lift the tire right away. Go ahead and try anyway, this will cause your friend to start laughing at you again. As you feel your anger building your strength will increase until you lift the tire onto the axle or beat the crap out of your friend.
STEP SIX: Tighten the Lugnuts. Hand tighten all of the lugnuts before you use the tire iron. If you broke any of the lug bolts taking the tire off, just toss them in the ditch. Using the tire iron, tighten the lugnuts as far as you can. Jumping on the tire iron is very effective. Around this time, you car will likely fall off the jack, this is okay since you already put the lugnuts on.
STEP SEVEN: Pack up and go home. Once your friend stops laughing at you, make them put the old tire in the car. Don’t be afraid to threaten them, that’s what the tire iron is for. Once you have everything piled in the trunk, it’s time to go home. Don’t bother trying to get the jack back in it’s cubby hole, you’ll never be able to squeeze it back in, they’re not made to got back in anyway.
It doesn’t matter if you were heading somewhere important, turn around and go back home. From there, you may start your trip over. If you get another flat tire, that is a sign from God that you were not meant to go on your trip and you should give up now.
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on October 31st, 2007 at 9:31 pm
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