Guide to Giving Gifts
18 January 2008What to give:
Women like to get stuff they can use. Stuff like soap, shampoo, cleaning supplies, and perfume are all good choices. They say that women like flowers, but they’re not very useful, they die after a week or two. If you want to really make her happy buy a plant that gives back, like a tomato plant or whichever vegetable she likes best.
Men are easy to shop for. But unlike women, they don’t like gift that are useful, that’s what the women’s gifts are for. Men love anything they can kill stuff with. Knives, guns, and rocket launchers are all good choices, depending on the licensing rules in your state. Men also like anything electronic. If it has LEDs on it they’re happy. It doesn’t even have to do anything, just sit there and flash it’s lights. Men love flashing lights. Men also love shiny things. Why do you think cars are so popular? If you get your man a shiny gift with flashing LEDs, I guarantee he’ll cream his pants.
How to wrap the gift:
Most people do a quick wrap job five minutes before the gift is given. More thoughtful people (women) will wrap the gift carefully a month or two before the gift is to be given. While this way is fine, it isn’t very original.
To make your gift stand out and memorable, you should make the giftee work for it. The easy way is simply to wrap the gift in multiple layers of wrapping paper. Twelve is a good starting amount, go for more if you have time. A solid layer of duct tape will really give them something to work on. Be sure you are giving something that is worth all this work, or you will get a well deserved ass kicking.
If you’re really mean and have plenty of time on your hands, use the multiple box method. It pretty self explanatory, just find ten to fifteen boxes of increasingly larger size. Wrap each box and place it inside the next box. Place crumpled newspapers in the voids to keep the boxes from rattling, best to keep them guessing.
If you’re really feeling mischievous, wrap each box several times before putting it into the next box. You’re recipient will sit there for hours cursing you. Assuming they don’t give up. Some clever people will employ a knife to foil you’re hard work. A layer of screen mesh will put a stop to that. You only need to put the mesh on two boxes near the outside, they’ll give up on the knife after that.
How to present the gift:
When giving a regular gift to someone who couldn’t handle a multi-layer gift, you should still make it stand out. Place gift on a sterling silver platter with a gold dome over the top. Don’t let them keep the platter, it’s probably worth more than the gift.
When you’re giving a multi-layer gift, it’s best to present the gift then run. If you want to watch, keep a safe distance. Position yourself near an exit in case you need to make a quick getaway.
When to not give a gift:
Most people know when to give a gift like a wedding, birthday, circumcision, etc. But most do not know when NOT to give a gift.
Retirement, just because there is a party doesn’t mean you have to give a gift. They’re already getting a much better gift, the gift of not having to come to work everyday and see you or anyone at that retched hellhole ever again.
Getting fired, there’s a reason why no one throws a getting fired party. Even if the job was crap and they know it, most people don’t wanna get fired. If you must give them something, give money. That will make them feel like a charity case and hopefully motivate them it get another job. Or it will inspire them to be a professional moocher. Either way you’re responsible for the outcome.
Share This
Popularity: 18% [?]
