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Guide to Backseat Driving

2 November 2007

Author: paulc3 Posted under My Stuff

The job of backseat driver has acquired a lot of negative connotations. This is primarily caused by thousands of bad drivers who don’t like it when someone has the courage to speak up about their dangerous or road rage provoking driving habits.

If you have decided to take up the noble cause of the backseat driver, don’t let a back-talking driver discourage you. If you know that he or she is truly in need of help it is your duty to monitor them and make sure they are driving at their optimal efficiency.

Before you go chastising every driver you ride with, remember, not all drivers are bad drivers. Though rare, good drivers are only handicapped by a backseat driver. You can identify a good driver when you find yourself unable to identify any or very few bad driving habits.

Location:
The best location is the passengers seat, in this position it is much easier for you to hit the driver if he/she is not listening to you. Second best is the directly behind the driver, this position makes is harder for the driver to hit you.

Strategy:
You need a strategy if you want to be most effective. All drivers are different and each will require a different strategy. You want to be as effective as possible while still keeping the driver’s temper in check. You’re not helping anybody if the driver suffers a meltdown and loses all self control.

Handling a meltdown:
Let’s face it, you’re not always going to be able to play with the drivers emotions with the skill of a chess master. Some people are just too unstable. When a meltdown occurs you must react quickly. First grab a cold drink and pour it over their head, this helps them to col off faster. DO NOT USE HOT DRINKS! They will only make things worse.
While the driver is cooling down, take the wheel. The driver is not in a condition to be steering. Smack them if you must. Once the driver has regained their composure they may retake the wheel.

Never backseat drive while drunk:
When drunk you might think that you know everything, but most likely you don’t. But more importantly, being an effective backseat driver requires a level of authority. I have never met a drunk person who looked and sounded respectable. Even Martin Luther King Jr. would sound like a blathering idiot with a drunken slur while stumbling around and hanging onto whoever is closest.

Duties:
The job of backseat driver comes with many responsibilities. It is your duty to carry out all of these duties, whether the driver likes it or not.

Help with navigation. Not only is this duty important because the driver likely has a very poor sense of direction, it is also important to keep the drivers eyes on the road. They need all the help they can get.

Road rage prevention. The number one cause of road rage is slow drivers. Don’t let your driver contribute to the nations elevated blood pressure.

Clear the blind spots. This one may not sound like your job, but covers two rules, keeping your driver’s eyes on the road, and preventing road rage. The second cause of road rage is cutting other drivers off, when combined with lots of slow driving, it can lead to a good cursing or worse, an assault. Don’t wait for the driver to ask you if a blind spot is clear, some arrogant drivers don’t think they need help.

Handle the Cell Phone. Not only is it illegal for a driver to talk on the phone, but any driver that needs the aid of a backseat driver probably isn’t talented enough to manage both the car and argue with an angry spouse at the same time.

Watch for Cops. It’s your job to notify the driver of any cops within sight. This is important whether making an illegal U turn or just speeding in a school zone. If you’re thinking ahead, bring a pair of binoculars to spot traffic cops on the interstate.
If pulled over, let the driver handle it. There’s no reason you should go down along with them. If they had listened to you, they wouldn’t have been pulled over in the first place.

Venting foul odors, and chastising the offender. Nobody wants to smell the aftermath of last night’s mexican food. At the first sign on an offending odor, roll down your window then roll down the window of the passenger behind or in front of you. This causes a circulating wind that will clear the car quickly when traveling a steady speed. Keep your nose out for bad perfume or cologne as well.

Swearing at other bad drivers. Some drivers are, quite frankly, too polite. In this case the swearing duty falls to you. Don’t overdo it however, you don’t want to be the next victim of a road rage assault.

Radio Station selection. Since you’re working so hard keeping the driver and other passengers behaving, you should be allowed to choose the radio station. The driver has no business playing with the radio, their job is to drive.

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