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paulc3 — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 16:00:40 +0000

Are you a Liberal or Conservative

paulc3 — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 15:00:41 +0000

For those that don’t know much about history…… here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are and were always symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe that Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history…….

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off….

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Video - Show me your genitals part 2

paulc3 — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 15:00:11 +0000

Show Me Your Genitals Pt. 2 - Watch more free videos

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6-Year-Old Stares Down Bottomless Abyss Of Formal Schooling

paulc3 — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 16:00:03 +0000

CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Local first-grader Connor Bolduc, 6, experienced the first inkling of a coming lifetime of existential dread Monday upon recognizing his cruel destiny to participate in compulsory education for the better part of the next two decades, sources reported.

Read the Full Article at The Onion

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Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South

paulc3 — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 15:00:14 +0000

Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South

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You might live in St. Louis if…

paulc3 — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 00:08:31 +0000

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through May, you might live in St. Louis.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you might live in St Louis.

If someone mentions ‘The Landing’ and it has nothing to do with the space shuttle, you might live in St. Louis.

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in St. Louis.

If you’ve seen a tornado touch down and ONLY thought ‘Damn it, I just waxed the car’, you might live in St. Louis.

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in St. Louis.

If you measure distance in hours instead of miles, you might live in St. Louis.

If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day and back again, you might live in St. Louis.

If you drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard for some White Castles, you might live in St. Louis.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you might live in St. Louis.

If you take I-Farty-Far to Six Flags, you might live in St. Louis.

If you know what/where the Piasa Bird is, you might live in St. Louis.

If someone says concrete and you think of Ted Drewes instead of pavement, you might live in St. Louis.

If you know what a TRAM is, you might live in St. Louis.

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in St. Louis.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph — you’re going 80 and everybody is passing you, you might live in St. Louis.

If you’ve ever skipped school, work, or even a court-date because you had tickets to an afternoon Cards, Blues or Rams game, you might live in St. Louis.

If you can say the words ‘Cahokia Mounds’ and not think of a candybar or boobies, you might live in St. Louis.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in St.Louis.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in St. Louis.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you might live in St. Louis.

If you find 10 degrees a little ‘chilly’, you might live in St. Louis.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your St. Louis friends & others, you live or have lived in St. Louis.

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Somebody throw me a chair!

paulc3 — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 23:36:41 +0000

http://view.break.com/539758 - Watch more free videos

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Conundrums 3

paulc3 — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:00:07 +0000

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

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Conundrums 2

paulc3 — Wed, 07 May 2008 20:02:36 +0000

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment,

but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geramino say if he jumped out of an airplane?

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Conundrums 1

paulc3 — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:00:32 +0000

If you try to fail, but you succeed, which have you done?

If a turtle loses it’s shell, is it naked or homeless?

If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular?

If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

If fire fighters fight fires, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesn’t everyone just move 5 k’s away?

If a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why are psychics still working if they all know the winning lottery numbers?

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

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Chinese Proverbs

paulc3 — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 19:46:24 +0000

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like tiny bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Man who scratches @ss should not bite fingernails.

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Annoy The People In The Next Bathroom Stall

paulc3 — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 16:00:39 +0000

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy big boy!”

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please”?

Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy!! Don’t fall asleep on me!!”

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.

Say, “Oh my, this water’s cold!”

Say, “Hmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

Say, “Interesting, more floaters than sinkers.”

Drop a marble and say, “Oh noooo, my glass eye!!”

Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”

Say, “Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

When you’re in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say, “You got any more toilet paper over there? This side’s completely out.”

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