Archive for the ‘My Stuff’ Category

Employee Memo - Discipline Policy

Monday, February 2nd, 2009

In an effort to streamline the discipline process, management has drawn up a formal policy that will go into effect immediately. The policy is based on demerits, accumulation of which will determine what level of punishment is required.

Demerits will be tallied one at a time, except in extreme situations. Each demerit will stay on record for thirty days. Demerits may be removed by the employee’s supervisor if the employee performs in a sufficiently productive and beneficial manner. Demerits cannot be removed by a supervisor not in the direct chain of command above a given employee.

Punishments for each subsequent demerit will be as follows:
1 demerits – A warning will be issued. Warnings will only be issued if the employee’s demerit count is at zero before receiving the new demerit.

2 demerits – The employee must write a 300 word essay expressing why they were wrong. They will also include a detailed apology to the company, their supervisor, and anyone else whom may have been effective by their transgression.

3 demerits – The employee will sit on time out stool located in their break room. The amount of time will be determined by their supervisor, not to exceed four hours, and more than ten minutes. Time on the stool will count against breaks.

4 demerits – Employee must stay after work for detention. Employee’s who have reached detention status will be flagged by security and will not be permitted to leave until detention is completed.

5 demerits – Employee will immediately report to Cletus Heddrick for flogging.

6 demerits – If employee reaches six demerits, they will be deemed unsuitable and their employment will be terminated. They will also forfeit unemployment compensation, and any future paychecks.

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have any questions about the new policy, feel free to ask your supervisor.

Regards,
Management

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HOW TO Take out the trash

Monday, January 26th, 2009

Alright men, it’s that time of the week again. It’s time to….take out the trash. You may not like it, in fact you may feel your soul being sucked out of you at the very thought of taking out the trash. None of that matters, the trash isn’t going to take itself out. If it sits there until your wife finally takes it out, you may as well move to the couch now before she gives you the crappy pillow and blanket.

Putting it off only makes it harder. There is nothing worse than procrastinating until you miss the trash man altogether. If that happens, you should probably get yourself a hotel room for the night. Don’t worry about taking your house keys, your wife will likely have the locks changed anyway.

Even if you’re lucky enough to spot the trash man, there is nothing more pitiful than running after a trash truck holding up three big bags while still wearing your pajamas and bunny slippers. Garbage truck drivers are instructed not to stop for schmucks chasing them, even if it means having to circle the block.

Once you have decided that you are going to finally get it over with, you need to psych yourself up for it. Take deep breaths and visualize yourself walking out to the end of the driveway. Perform the entire task in your mind several times, there is no room for error, you want to get this done as quickly as possible.

Now that your ready, grab the bags and run outside. Don’t bother putting shoes on, any pain in your feet will distract you from the torment of having to take the trash out. Carefully stuff the bags into the trash cans, you don’t want to break them. That would mean having to pick up all the crud that fell on the floor and even worse, you would have to wash your hands when you get back inside.

Now quickly drag the trash cans out to the end of the driveway. If it’s after dark, which is likely, you should lift them up so not to wake the neighbors. Once the cans are in place run back into the house as if there is a rabid dog chasing you. You may now congratulate yourself for completing your manly housework. Get yourself a beer, you deserve it, even if your wife disagrees. You can feel good, you won’t have to worry about that for a whole week. Ahh, let the countdown begin.

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What To Do If Your Car Overheats

Monday, January 19th, 2009

Detecting the Problem:
A car has several indicators to notify you that is it overheating. The first is a temperature gauge near the fuel gauge and odometer gauge. In an overheat situation the needle advances into the red area of the gauge and the car beeps incessantly at you. The second indicator is a giant plume of smoke, this is released from a smoke canister when the cars computer detects an overheat situation. Be sure to replace the canister after each overheat situation.

Plan of Action:
If your car reports an overheat situation, you should immediately slam on your brakes, shut off the engine, turn on the hazard lights, open your hood, put out your safety cones, then get a safe distance from the vehicle. Monitor the vehicle for approximately 30 minutes before you approach it. You do not want to risk being near the vehicle should it suddenly ignite and/or explode.

When you do return to your vehicle, your first action is to kick the vehicle. This shows the vehicle who’s boss and releases some of your anger. You may kick the vehicle several more times but don’t kick in the same place, you may cause a dent. Once you have calmed down, check to see if the radiator is empty. If you don’t know which part is the radiator, it’s the big part in front that looks like a radiator.

Remedy the Situation:
You probably have several things to remedy at this point. You likely got rear ended when you slammed on your brakes. That’s okay, if you play it right, you can get their insurance to pay for your repairs. Do your normal accident routine. Or better yet, refer to our guide: What to do in the event of an accident.

If your radiator was empty when you checked it earlier, you need to fill it back up, duh. Since most people don’t drive around several gallons of water, you will need to call someone to bring some. Or if you’re too cheap to carry a cell phone, you’ll have to walk for it. If you’re feeling adventurous, you could wait for someone to stop and help you.

Once you acquire some water, put it in the radiator. Locate the cap that says ‘coolant’ or ‘radiator’ and turn it until it comes off. If you need a wrench, try turning it the other direction. Pour the water into the small hole. They make it small for a reason, to frustrate you. The colder the water, the better. You’re trying to cool off the engine. If some or most of the water, depending on how coordinated you are, misses the hole, that’s okay, it will cool off the engine directly.

Now that your engine is cooled off and you’re radiator is full, check to make sure it’s not leaking. The last thing you need to do is leave a trail of water to your next overheat situation. If your car has more damage from either a larger problem or from the accident you caused, you should ask yourself why you didn’t just call a tow truck in the first place.

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What To Do in the Event of an Accident

Monday, January 12th, 2009

This article is going to focus on minor and relatively minor traffic accidents. The kind that you can at least hobble away from. Accidents that require the jaws of life should be left up to the professionals, otherwise they would be out of a job.

First Reactions
The appropriate first reaction is to curse. This goes for everyone from gang members to Buddhist monks. Your exact amount of cursing may vary, depending on the value of your car. Once you have that out of your system, you need to exit the vehicle. The most effective way is to run screaming from the vehicle. This will alert other drivers that something might be amiss. Just don’t run into traffic, that’s counter-productive.

Go ahead and panic, just don’t attack anyone. You can provide some much needed comic relief. Be sure to whine about your beloved car and how it will never be the same again. Get creative. After a half-hour or so you should give it up, however. If you don’t the police officer will probably tase you.

If you’re not the panicky type then you could always try to get the other driver to hit you, that way you can sue them. This doesn’t work all the time. For instance if you are a 250lb man and you get a 150lb woman to hit you, it won’t be very convincing. And if you are a 150lb man who is trying to provoke a 250lb man, you’re an idiot.

Insurance Exchange
Yes you have to, it’s the law. You may like to think that you can stick it to the man anytime you want, but in reality, the man’s going to stick it to you. Get over it.

Police Report
Always blame the other driver. You may think this is a given, but there are a lot of people out there that either don’t know, or don’t remember. Honesty should be avoided if necessary. If somehow the accident really wasn’t your fault then great, but for normal circumstances, dishonesty will help keep your insurance premiums down.

Cleanup & Aftermath
Let’s assume that your car is undriveable, because otherwise this paragraph would be pointless. If the police officer didn’t already call a town truck, go ahead an call. In all likely hood, the police officer already did call a tow truck, along with the fire department, an ambulance, roadside assistance, and national guard.

Take the car back to your parents and tell them it’s broken. Don’t pretend that they didn’t give it to you cheap or free. If you play you’re cards right, you might even get another car out of them.

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HOW TO Get Fired

Monday, January 5th, 2009

So you’ve finally realized that your job sucks. Congratulations on being the last one you know to come to that conclusion. Before you give your two weeks notice, consider this. If you quit, you can’t draw unemployment. You’re best bet would be to get fired. Many people have hard times getting fired, other people have no trouble at all getting fired, sometimes it happens even when they didn’t actually mean for it to. It doesn’t matter which type of person you are, the tips in this article can help you get fired in no time flat. Use as many as necessary, but don’t overdo it, you don’t want to get arrested or sent to a mental institution, unless you would like an extended vacation.

Show up late, when your boss comments, remark that you are glad that he or she is paying attention.

Burn paper in your trash can. When told to stop apologize, wait an hour then burn more paper. When told to stop again, apologize profusely and tell your boss to take your trashcan because it’s too big of a temptation.

Start stealing office plants. Don’t be sneaky about it, just walk right out with it at quitting time. For more effect, you could try taking them in the middle of the day.

Sit in on meeting you weren’t invited to and heckle the presenter. Be sure to wear your nametag in a prominent location. Many meetings will likely be run by other departments, you want them to be able to notify your boss easily.

Put a picture of your boss in a conspicuous place and throw darts at it, if you’re really adventurous use a picture of your boss’s daughter.

Listen to your iPod all day, if someone asks you to stop, get irate. If your boss tells you to put it away, apologize and take the earbuds out, then as soon as your boss is out of site, put them back in and resume listening.

Snatch the toupee off your boss’s head and run around the office with it. Find a meeting, quickly open the door, toss the toupee onto the table and make a mad run back to your cubicle.

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