Archive for the ‘Funny Stuff’ Category

Conundrums 3

Friday, February 27th, 2009

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Conundrums 2

Friday, February 20th, 2009

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment,

but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geramino say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Conundrums 1

Friday, February 13th, 2009

If you try to fail, but you succeed, which have you done?

If a turtle loses it’s shell, is it naked or homeless?

If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular?

If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

If fire fighters fight fires, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesn’t everyone just move 5 k’s away?

If a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why are psychics still working if they all know the winning lottery numbers?

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

A very Useful Tool

Friday, January 30th, 2009

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 7 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.

In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometime quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What is it?

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other
than your very own…. toothbrush.

Awesomely Inaccurate Predictions

Friday, January 23rd, 2009

“I think there’s a world market for about five computers.” Thomas J Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college
yet.’” Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.” A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.

“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.

“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of
your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have
to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of
weight training.” Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable”
problem by inventing Nautilus.

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You’re crazy.” Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.

“The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.” Admiral
William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.

“This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He’s doomed.” Harry
Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” Irving
Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

“Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific
advances.” Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of
television.

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” Charles H. Duell,
Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Chinese Proverbs

Friday, January 16th, 2009

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like tiny bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Man who scratches @ss should not bite fingernails.

Are you a Liberal or Conservative

Friday, January 9th, 2009
For those that don’t know much about history…… here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are and were always symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe that Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history…….
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off….

Redneck Sayings

Saturday, January 3rd, 2009

He’s all hat and no cattle.

If that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.

It’s so dry, the catfish are carrying canteens.

He’s so busy, you’d think he was twins.

He’ll squeeze a nickel till Jefferson screams.

So dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

Cold as a cast-iron commode.

She’s two sandwiches short of a picnic.

So ugly, she has to sneak up on a glass of water.

Confused as a goat on AstroTurf.

Handy as hip pockets on a hog.

So ugly, his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn’t have to kiss him goodbye.

Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.

So buck-toothed, she could eat corn through a picket fence.

If brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a flea.

That dawg don’t hunt.

It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.

Every now and then, even a blind pig finds an acorn.

Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been “saucered and blowed.”

She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm.

Cute as a sack full of puppies.

My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull.

Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining.

He’s as country as cornflakes.

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

This is gooder’n grits.

Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.

Airplane Maintenance Logs from UPS

Thursday, January 1st, 2009

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,”which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS  pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.