Becoming a Politician
15 February 2008Being a politician is not so much a career as it is a state of mind. BSing the public is not as easy as one might think. You need a constant focus to keep the BS consistent. Your words, campaign slogan, promises, body language, and overall message need to be consistent with the BS you are presenting. Let’s go over some of the key points now.
Speaking:
Say Uh at least two times in every sentence. The uhs confuse the listeners so that even if you accidentally say something meaningful they won’t be likely to notice. Practice looking into a camera without blinking, blinking can be interpreted as a sign of lying. Don’t give your opponent anything more to use against you. Always refer to your opponent as your opponent. Referring to them by name may increase their recognition, that would be disastrous.
Campaigning:
Kissing babies is still a good way to win votes, at least from gullible mothers. Whenever you see a baby, snatch it from the mother, give it a big, long, wet kiss, then give it back. keep the kiss between 2-5 seconds, any longer and the mother might start to freak out. Any shorter and no one will take it serious.
If there are no babies in the crowd, you will need to fall back to plan C. As in children. The younger the better, the closer they look to a baby the more effective. Firmly pick the child up and administer a big sloppy kiss to a random location on their face. Bonus points if the child wipes their face off on their sleeve.
DO NOT lie to your mother on television, like Bob Corker did in Tennessee. If you’re going to lie, do it to a complete stranger or directly into the camera.
Digging for Dirty Dirt:
As I’m sure you already know, there is no way you’re going to beat your opponent in a fair race. Therefore you must turn to smear campaigns and creative lying.
First look for the obvious, it will be easier. Things like: accidental racial slurs, pornography, criminal record, drug abuse, drug use, alcohol, child molestation, child endangerment, child pron, child abuse, child exploitation, adult exploitation, bad checks, speeding tickets, etc. etc. etc.
Then get creative: neglected hangnails, weird relatives, overeating, discrimination against plants (vegetarian), discrimination against cooked plants (vegan), farts in public, lazy eye, psoriasis, over sized ears, too short, receding hairline, bad book reports in grade school, how many girlfriend/boyfriends they have dumped, etc. etc. etc.
If you and your team of crack investigators can’t find anything or you are lazy and cheap to dig, just call the candidate’s mother. She’s bound to have something. Don’t be pushy or direct, let her offer the information freely. Have one of your bubbly happy-go-lucky interns pose as a reporter doing a profile story.
Raising Money:
To run an effective propaganda campaign, you need lots of money. There are several venues to raise money through. Public fund-raising methods could include Raffles, Bake sales, and door-to-door shakedowns. Private corporate donations are great because they don’t have to be documented. There are many corporations that would love to support your campaign. Some of the largest donors include: Halibourton, Enron, and the Red Cross.
Accepting Victory or Defeat:
Let’s talk about the most likely outcome first, defeat. Being gracious is for schmucks, you’re a politicain, no one expects you to have manners. Always call for a recount, even if the results were a landslide. In that case you need to accuse your opponent of rigging the election. If you have to, call for multiple recounts. Keep recounting until you are the winner or until the officials start ignoring you.
In the unlikely event that you win, the most important event is your acceptance speech. Once again, being gracious is for schmucks. Incorporate the taunt ‘neener neener’ into your speech. Use only two neeners, three will create sympathy for your opponent. You should also yell “deez nutz!”, it will increase your cred with the younger crowd.
At the end of your speech, let out a big girly-man scream like Howard Dean. However, do not use your girly-man scream until after you’ve won. If you use it before it will curse your campaign, just like it did Howard Dean’s campaign.
You may be tempted to offer your campaign staff spots in your government staff. Resist this urge at all costs. The fewer promises you break the better you will look at reelection time. However, when you do reach your term limits, it’s time to break every promise you can before your term expires.
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